Sunday, August 29, 2010

Coming of Age DRAFT

"Kevin! It's traffic, hurry up!" were the first words I heard from my mom, as I woke up on a Tuesday morning. As a got up slowly, yawning, I walked to my closet to get ready. After putting on my clothes and my shoes, I look at myself for the last time in my closet mirror. I thought to myself, "something’s going to change today."

Making my way downstairs, I rushed to the kitchen to eat breakfast. Pouring milk and Corn Pops into a bowl, my mom yells at me saying, “Hmm, you better hurry up. It’s traffic!” I quickly ate my breakfast, grabbed my driver’s manual and made my way to the car. It took us about 15 minuets to get to St. Joseph School in Waipahu. My mom parked in the front of the school to pick up three of my friends. We were going to the mall after I was done taking my permit test. After we picked them up, we were headed to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Sitting anxiously in the car, I asked my friends “Help me study, I feel like I’m going to fail!” They asked me questions from the manual. The first question went something like this “you are going into a curve too quickly, you should?” I answer the question quickly, “ ease off the gas, and speed up when you regain traction.” The whole conversation from St. Joseph to the DMV were all driving questions. We were nearly 5 minuets away from the DMV and I began to panic, thinking that I was going to fail.

As we made our way into the DMV, I saw a lot of people who were my age. I took a registration card, filled it out and nervously brought to the front desk. The lady looks at me with a genuine smile and says “Hello, are you here to take your permit test?” I smile back and nod my head yes. She asked both of my parents to sign a card and gave me it after. She then told me to bring the card to the cashier to pay two dollars for the written test. I stood in line for the cashier for about 3 minuets. Standing in line for that long made my nerves go away, but made me feel impatient. After I paid, the lady then told me to stand in line by the blue tape. I quietly thought to myself, “ this is such a really long process just to take a permit test.” At last, this was the last line I stood in before I took my permit test. I gave the lady the receipt to prove that I paid for the test. She smiled and gave me a pencil, answer sheet, and a test. My nerves suddenly came back as a walked to my seat.

I sat down, took a deep breath and began my test. I carefully read the first question and in an instant I circled my answer. I did the same thing for every question. By question five I began to wonder, “ why did I think this test was so hard? It’s EASY!” Before I knew it, I finished my test. I happily walked to the front desk to turn in my test, when I accidently overheard the guy talking to the lady at the front desk saying he failed. Hearing that conversation made me feel paranoid. I began to doubt all my answers on my paper and went back to my seat to check. After carefully checking my answers, I confidently turned in my test to the lady. She then pulled out her grading card, and marked my paper a lot of times. Once she was finished correcting my paper, she looks at me with a nice sweet smile and says “You Passed with only two wrong!” My reaction made people around me stare, because I was screaming and jumping. After I calmed myself down, I walked to the camera station to take my picture for my new permit.

From when that camera flashed to take my picture, I felt like a new person. Driving is something that only grown ups can do and that's exactly what it did, it made me feel like a grown up. I was no longer child; I was becoming a young adult. Receiving my permit made me realize that I have new sets of responsibilities to follow as a person and as a driver.

4 comments:

  1. Hello Kevin!

    Now, here's my comment on your essay. The experience you use to describe your coming of age experience, getting your permit, was a good one. I can really see how you felt and how it made you feel like an adult. You were now able to do something that most teens your age can't do yet, so that's how I can tell it made you feel much more mature than others. In your 5th paragraph, I can feel your panic about failing. And when you found out you passed, I can also sense how proud you were. Nice job in describing your COA experience.

    Ohh! And I also found some errors. You sometimes switch your story from past-tense to present-tense. For example in your first paragraph, "..I walked to my closet to get ready. After putting on my clothes and my shoes, I look at myself for the last time in my closet mirror." You used the word "walked" in that sentence. Then in the next one you used the word "look". Walked is used in past-tense, and "look" is in present-tense. You do this in other parts of your essay too.
    You also have some spelling errors. In your 2nd paragraph you misspell "minuets". In your 5th paragraph, you misspell "accidently".
    Hmmm, what else??? I think you could have a stronger conclusion. It sounds good right now. Maybe, if you could tweak it up a bit to make it sound even BETTER! (: Well, thats it! Okays, bye kevin! ^^

    -Sharmaine

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  2. OHHH! and for your COA poster, you should do something that has to do with getting your permit or driving since that's what your essay is about. GOOD LUCK ON YOUR REVISIONS! ^^ okay BYE NOW! lol

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  3. Hey AGT BUDDY.

    I really like the idea you chose to show you are coming of age, which is getting your permit. Your idea shows that your insight is focused because it is based on your own particular experience. Usually our parents and adults drive but when teenagers like us get to drive we feel more mature and have more responsibility for ourselves. The organization of your essay is well done and runs really smoothly. Throughout your whole essay I can definitely hear your voice. As I read on I could almost feel your nervousness, which is good because you want the reader to know and feel what you went through. Your thoughts or what you said (the quotes) really showed your excellent demonstration of good voice. As for word choice I feel you did pretty satisfactory on that, the words matched the situation you experienced but I know you could use better vocabulary. Your sentence fluency is pretty good too (some errors). They are very short and simple and work best for your paper.

    In parts of your essay your tenses shift, from present-tense to past-tense. This changes your sentence structure, which greatly affects your sentence fluency.
    Example: “Making my way downstairs, I rushed to the kitchen to eat breakfast.”
    It should have been: “As I made my way downstairs, I rushed to the kitchen to eat breakfast.”
    You have some grammatical errors too: (spelling is one of them)
    “Sitting anxiously in the car, I asked my friends “Help me study, I feel like I’m going to fail!”
    It should have been: “I sat anxiously in the car, and asked my friends, “Can you help me study? I feel like I’m going to fail!””
    The reason why I changed it to this is because your tenses shift here too, Sitting vs. Asked. Also, you said you ASKED. Meaning you needed to put a direct question, not a command, “Help me study,” vs. “Can you help me study?”
    Overall I think you essay is pretty good, just need a little bit of fixing here and there. But I felt your conclusion didn’t really “pull everything together”. I found it sort of weak. Because you put a lot of work into your introduction and body but the conclusion wasn’t able to fully represent you coming of age. It seemed like you rushed on the conclusion. If you make it stronger your essay will be more effective when the reader finishes it. Okay, hope this helped, kay bye.

    ;D

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  4. Hi Kevin,
    I agree with Sharmaine and Shannel that this was a good choice of topic for your coming of age essay. And I think Sharmaine made an excellent suggestion about using the idea of the driver's license in your poster!

    She also was accurate as she pointed out the problems with tense shifts. Notice that she gives you one example and says there are other errors in the paper...you need to find those on your own.

    Shannel is aware of tense errors, but the ones she cites from your paper are not errors.
    The one about the stairs is more one of too many words...Why is it necessary to include "making my way"? Wouldn't it be better to say, "I rushed downstairs to the kitchen"? Whenever possible, cut out excess words.
    I actually think your ending is a good one...but perhaps you could word it more strongly...not sure...I really like that you end with the idea of "responsibilities to follow as a person and a driver"...that the COA experience represented by the learner's permit goes beyond that and reflects maturity in other areas as well.

    Good start...you've improve a lot since last year!
    mrs s

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