Interdependence, a word meaning to rely or depend on one another, is something everyone around the world experiences in their daily lives. We may not notice it, but everything tends to depend on each other each and everyday. We create great bonds with people, which we learn to understand their situations. We gain the same emotions of the person and empathize for them. Whether we learn to depend on each other or to understand each other's feelings, it makes each and everyone of us, realize how we value each other's lives and feelings. In my media class, we created a photoshop image that deals with both interdependence and empathy, which are our class theme. From there on I understood the meaning of these two words. Before, i came to high school, i didn't even know what these two words even meant.
Interdependence takes a big role to get assignments done. To me, it keeps the world going because we all depend on each other. Whether it's at work, school, home, or the store, interdependence is there. At school, interdependence is the "key" to projects. We all have roles in a group project and to get the job done, we need to rely on each other to do their share.
To feel true empathy, you have to have gone through the same situation as the person. For me, it's easy to relate to a friend or family member's situation. Empathy is one of the emotions everyone should experience in life.
In 7th and 8th grade, i played for my school's volleyball team. We had confidence in ourselves during practices and games. Our main strategy was to use teamwork and rely on each other to do whatever that was necessary to get the ball over the net. We lost most of our games in the tournament, but managed to win the consolation game. Everybody on the team was so blissful, but seeing how depressed the other team was made us empathize for them. It was easy to relate to how they feel because we knew exactly how it felt to loose a game.
As a Menemac student, our projects is where interdependence fits in the most. In english class, we our working on our KC3 project. Interdependence is very effective in this project because everyone in the group has their own subtopic and jobs. We had to make a powerpoint, website, video, survey and script. We all relied on each other to their part of the project because without any of the jobs done, the project wouldn't be complete.
Interdependence is what makes the world keep going. Without it, probably no tasks would be finished. Interdependence happens everyday and it's what creates amity. Empathy is when you gain and understand the other person's feelings. True empathy only happens if you been through the same situation as the person and can only happen if we listen considerately.
heeyyy.. sorry this is late, i didnt even notice that it was up.
ReplyDeleteFirst paragraph: Nice job on introducing interdependence in your essay. It really shows the reader what it is and what it means. Your examples help make it stronger."We may not notice it, but everything tends to depend on each other each and everyday" you should reword this, maybe you should try to take out the "tends to", so it'd sound like "We may not notice it, but everything depends on each other each and everyday". "We gain the same emotions of the person and empathize for them." I like how you slowly incorporated empathy in there. But be careful because it could make the reader confused. Be sure to include what empathy means later on, or maybe have empathy in a different paragraph so you dont have your main ideas in 1 paragraph, it ruins the organization. "In my media class, we created a photoshop image that deals with both interdependence and empathy, which are our class theme. From there on I understood the meaning of these two words. Before, i came to high school, i didn't even know what these two words even meant." I think that this should be in a different paragraph, just elaborate more on how the photoshop project made you understand the words.
Second Paragraph: Good job on explaining how interdependence can take part in our life. I think this should be in your first paragraph because you're still talking about interdependence and what it is.
Third Paragraph: I like how you explained the definition, you put it in words that others can understand easily. I think that this paragraph needs more information or you take the parts about empathy in your first paragraph and include in here. Explain more on what empathy means to you.
Fourth paragraph:"Everybody on the team was so blissful, but seeing how depressed the other team was made us empathize for them" I dont think blissful was the right word for this. It makes the mood overjoyed and such then it goes to being sad for them. Maybe the word glad, would be better."..how it felt to loose a game." loose-lose.
Fifth paragraph: Good example; it shows what interdependence means. I think you could use a little more examples, maybe talk about the importance of interdependence when making a good video(music video,psa,etc.)
Sixth paragraph: Good way to end but you're just repeating what you've already said in your essay. Maybe you could talk about what interdependence or empathy has done for you. Not like an experience but more like, how it has affected you or maybe how it has affected everyone in the world.
Idea: I think you got the idea. You understand what interdependence is and what empathy is. You can give good examples about it and you can explain what it is.
Organization: Nice organization. I like how you used your personal experience for empathy and menemac experience for interdependence. It really shows the meaning of each word. Just a little problem in the beginning. Separate each topic into different paragraphs to make your essay more understanding.
Voice: I can hear you in this. The way you use your personal experiences to explain what the word means. It makes the essay easier to understand.
W/C: Good job on wording. Just a couple of mispelling and some words that doesnt really fit in. Overall, your wording made the essay
stronger "..interdependence is the "key" to projects"
:D nice job. I liked reading your essay. It was easy to relate to.Like your volleyball game,i could relate from our tennis games. Then for menemac, well haha im in that class too.
-Rebekah
Hey Kevin (KC)!!
ReplyDeleteLet’s begin....
1st paragraph:
So true.
I liked how you defined interdependence and empathy and used people to relate the two words. For example, “Whether we learn to depend on each other or to understand each other’s feelings, it makes each and everyone of us, realize how we value each other’s lives and feelings.”
When you added “In my media class, we created a photoshop image that deals with both interdependence and empathy, which are our class theme,” you totally jumped off topic. This statement belongs to a different paragraph. In the introduction, majority of what you are talking about are the definitions of the two words. You should focus on that.
You don’t seem to have a thesis, though. Your introduction just ends with “Before, I came to high school, I didn’t even know what these two words even meant.” You need a thesis because it basically tells the reader what your essay is going to be about. Right now, the reader may think that you will be explaining about how you never knew about interdependence and empathy. So, just remember that. Every good essay has a thesis.
2nd Paragraph:
You are being redundant. You’re repeating “because we all depend on each other.”
“get assignments done” and “get the job done” are the same thing.
It sounds like you are running out of ideas.
In this paragraph, you could explain more about how interdependence is present at work, school, home, or the store. Maybe you could choose one out of these where interdependence plays a big role. Maybe at school. Then, relate an experience. Continue the paragraph about how “interdependence is the ‘key’ to projects.”
3rd Paragraph:
Again, explain more about empathy. Since you are stating about how “it’s easy to relate to a friend or family member’s situation,” relate an experience when empathy was involved. Maybe when someone’s loved one died and you are there to comfort them. Then, you begin to express the same feelings through tears. Kind of like that.
Try rethinking this sentence: “Empathy is one of the emotions everyone should experience in life.” Could you tell us why.
4th Paragraph:
Good. Now you are relating an experience. I can tell that this is a narrative essay, too.
Yes, you got the idea of interdependence. RELYING ON EACH OTHER!! Well done.
Could you tell us how it feels to lose a game. Then, maybe the reader can understand why you guys knew exactly how the losing team felt. Then, you can give the reader a better understanding of empathy. “It was easy to relate to how they feel because we knew exactly how it felt to loose a game.”
ReplyDelete“Our main strategy was to use teamwork and rely on each other to do whatever that was necessary to get the ball over the net.” Could you elaborate on this. Maybe you could relate an incident when interdependence came into play during the game.
Good relationship between interdependence and empathy.
5th Paragraph:
Replace “our” in the second sentence to “are.”
Again. Could you please elaborate. “We all relied on each other to their part of the project because without any of the jobs done, the project wouldn’t be complete.” Maybe you could relate a part of the project, like the powerpoint, since that is the final product that you will have to be producing, and explain how you obtained the information needed for the powerpoint. This is where interdependence comes to play because you are relying on everyone in your group to email you and send you their info. But, relate an incident. Don’t just tell us about the meaning of interdependence.
Conclusion:
Aren’t these the same things that you said in your introduction?
You are being redundant. This is in your conclusion paragraph: “Interdependence is what makes the world keep going. Without it, probably no tasks would be finished. Interdependence happens everyday and it's what creates amity. Empathy is when you gain and understand the other person's feelings. True empathy only happens if you been through the same situation as the person and can only happen if we listen considerately.”
This is in your introduction paragraph: “Interdependence, a word meaning to rely or depend on one another, is something everyone around the world experiences in their daily lives. We may not notice it, but everything tends to depend on each other each and everyday. We create great bonds with people, which we learn to understand their situations. We gain the same emotions of the person and empathize for them. Whether we learn to depend on each other or to understand each other's feelings, it makes each and everyone of us, realize how we value each other's lives and feelings.”
Try restating what you said in your introduction, but don’t just change the words around to make them sound different. This is the most memorable part of your essay. Remember, this is where you summarize what you talked about in your essay and maybe tell us what you learned throughout your experiences.
4 Traits:
ReplyDeleteNow let’s assess you based on the rubric form:
Ideas: Somewhere in your first three paragraphs, it sounded as though you began to run out of ideas. You began repeating the same things that you said in the first paragraph and you did this same thing to your conclusion paragraph. However, you were able to relate a few of your experiences that related to the themes, so you were able to do this fine. Like, volleyball and the KC3 project. Although, to enhance your ideas stated in your essay, like I said before, elaborate more on your experiences.
Organization: You have a good organization. Although, there were a few sentences that were placed here and there. I believe that your first three paragraphs belong into one paragraph because you are talking about the same thing, like you did in your introduction. So, just merge them together. I liked how you began to talk about your experiences in your body. It made your essay stronger. Although, I feel as though you could have used smoother transitions when moving from one paragraph to the other. For example, listen to how this sounds: “(4th Paragraph) It was easy to relate to how they feel because we knew exactly how it felt to loose a game. (Next Paragraph) As a Menemac student, our projects.....” You can use a concluding sentence to end the paragraph.
Voice: I can hear you in the essay. For example, the structure of your sentences and the way you related your experiences in volleyball and in the KC3 project. “Empathy is one of the emotions everyone should experience in life.”
Word Choice: Good use of words. They were effective and were easy to understand. For example, “Everybody on the team was so blissful, but seeing how depressed the other team was made us empathize for them.”
Overall, you were able to state what you will be talking about in the essay. All you have to do is elaborate more on your experiences and don’t be so redundant.