Looking back from 6 years ago, when we first moved into this house, I decided that this room would be mine from the moment i saw it. Although it's smaller compared to all the other rooms in the house, it has a few advantages. Like how my room is the coolest room in the house and how i have a partial view of pearl harbor and waikiki.
Entering my room, the first thing i would notice is how the brown paint in the wall have dents from the way my bed and all my furniture always hits it. Putting my bag and books down and as i relax on my bed, i suddenly jerk from the random and delightful smell that flew under my nostrils as the automatic air freshener sprayed it's mist. I look outside the window to see that the tall tree was swaying as if it were dancing with the wind. As the powerful wind blows against my face, i hear the sound of the poster that was hanging up on my wall make a crumpling sound as it falls to the ground.
My room is a place where i go when i'm feeling depressed, mad, or excited. I like how my room is always tidy, not messy. It makes me feel like i'm in my own world because i can basically do anything i want. Looking out my window at night, i see my partial view of pearl harbor and waikiki. The lights from a far distance, let's me reflect on what i did that day and makes me picture my favorite place to be "Las Vegas".
okay so first of all...
ReplyDelete-first paragraph-
in the first sentence.. you said that it is the best and coolest room in the house. tell us WHY it is... and how its unique. a way that would help is by doing this... (i know we discussed about the memories you had, like the sleepovers), be more descriptive about those "memories". [yeah, i think it would be best if you talked about the sleepovers, it would give the story some 'razzzzmatazz'.] (that's the way i say "life" haha)
okay, now second paragraph... in the last sentence... you said that it's the "coolest" room.. do you mean 'cool' as in 'not humid' or 'cool' as in 'hip or awesome'? if you meant cool as in not humid, it would really help the readers to 'feel' how your room is.
3rd paragraph... Okay, to me... this is the most descriptive and specific paragraph out of the four. Because it really describes how your room smells and what sounds you could hear. I really like this paragraph. But i noticed that in your "Journal entry #8' you said that you listen to music and watch tv, you didn't mention anything about those two. i recommend you to talk about them in your final.
Kay, last paragraph.. you talk about how you go to your room when you have all these different emotions... tell us how and why your room settles you during these times. What do you do to help? Do you listen to music, write, read, etc.
We know that your room is tidy and stuff, but how can you describe tidy. Like, are all your clothes in one place (the closet, supposedly), are all your books put away nicely? Saying things like that can REALLY help us to see your room in our heads. Uhm, what else is there to say...? OH! Make sure you capitalize the important words... like "Pearl Harbor" and "Waikiki".
*Indentation of the paragraphs is important, too kev-o!
It seems to me as if you really love hanging out in your room, that it would be hard to part from it if you ever move because you've been there for quite a while.
Now, I'll critique you on the six traits.
Ideas-I can really see that you know a lot about your room and some parts are very interesting. I can kinda, sorta picture your room right now... yet, its not really clear. Specify your nouns and adjectives more often.
Organization-Your sentences don't really finish the topic. Like for example... "My room is a place where i go when i'm feeling depressed, mad, or excited." That's all you said. You need to continue on about that.
Voice- I like how you make the essay so calm and peaceful. It makes the readers so relaxed. But, it doesn't really answer some questions that are running trough my head. What I'm trying to say is... SHOW us, DON'T TELL us.
Word Choice- Some words are very common like.. 'best'. Try to come up with new adjectives.
Sentence Fluency-The third paragraph has the most rhythm, make the other ones like that and your essay will be AWESOME!
Conventions and Presentation-Capitalize important words, Add indentations, and... use the right punctuation marks in the right places.
Phew, finally finished. (;
.... Ps: Good job, kev-o!
-Czarina Caberto
Hey kevin! this is isabelle :D
ReplyDeleteok so i'll start with the very first sentence.
There is repetition in this sentence.
"My room is the best room in the house because it has everything i could need and is the coolest room in the house."
You can change that a little bit.
Details are needed in this piece, such as how your room looks like, and more about how you feel. I would like to know an interesting memory you have about your room. Tell the audience why you like Las Vegas. Make sure that you capitalize your I's. Tell me more about the evironment of your room. Such as "peaceful" or "tidy". Other than that.........good job. Make your piece WOW the audience.
HI Kevin,
ReplyDeleteGosh, I really don't have to add anything to the commentary by Czarina and Isabelle. Their comments were accurate and both of them had good recommendations on how to improve your essay. Czarina was especially thorough in her commentary.
So...read their comments carefully and follow up and you should be well on your way to a successful Querencia essay!
mrs s